


Gravity

by i_write_sins_and_tragedies (muerteartiste)



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Youtubers
Genre: Connor Franta has a twin idek, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Multi, Publicity, Tags Are Hard, The YouTubers live in LA and are not(?) YouTubers, Will be adding more characters as they appear - Freeform, idk what im doing im sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2019-10-27 11:05:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17765612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muerteartiste/pseuds/i_write_sins_and_tragedies
Summary: Something always brings me back to youIt never takes too longNo matter what I say or doI'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm goneCharlie plods through everyday life without a concrete purpose. Eat, school, work, stalk, sleep. Repeat. She just wants to find herself. She never would've thought that being a fake girlfriend to a gay popstar would be her life.





	1. I.

**Author's Note:**

> So, okay.
> 
> This is me giving this fic and myself another chance. I'm in a better place now than when I started writing this fic 4 years ago, and it's not even half-way lol i cri
> 
> I have high hopes but low expectations for my fic, and no pressure! I'll just pretend there are many people reading this fic and y'all love me.
> 
> I love you all! If you're here, thank you for giving this a shot! <3
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters except the original ones. All living people own themselves, and I do not claim to know how they are in their personal lives. This story is fictional, and I do not claim that what happens in the story, or how they act in the story is real.

I never thought this is how it would come down.

I chanced a look at him while packing my bags. Adam, the love of my life.

I never thought that I would be in this position of leaving him behind. Hell, I never even thought I would be in the position of being his girlfriend. Me, of all people. Who would have thought that I will be faced with the option of leaving him?

I put down the shirt I'm folding and sit next to him. Looking back, it is one of those few memories that would keep me holding on. It would keep me sane from the ordeal that's just about to happen.

"I love you," I say, kissing his hand. I know him well enough to know that he's sleeping deeply, and that he can't hear nor feel me. He never did.

"I'll always love you, even if it's the last thing I'll ever do."

I take my favorite shirt of his and pack it with my things. Taking one last glimpse of him, I get out of the room and out of his life.

 

\---

 

_[Before Adam]_

 

Being a fangirl is not so easy.

For one, you get judged a lot. Like a fuckton lot, I am not even kidding. People see your devotion for the person who saved your life as a petty obsession on an attractive person. What they do not know is how that person saved your life, or even gave you the will to live even if the fight is getting hard to rally.

Another reason is that you have a _0.000000001_ percent chance of meeting them, much less of being with them. In my case, it is even reduced into smaller percentage because of my (bad) luck and unattractive face. Physically, I am quite overweight on the side. I am not beautiful, have a wide hips and too large lips. I also have a too big stomach (not even kidding), I have no thigh gap, and I am certainly NOT beautiful. In Gerard Way's words, I am  _yuck as fuck._ In addition, let us not forget the fact that I am not rich. I had to work to be able to support myself, and I am still studying.

Speaking of which, ugh, I still need to study. But here I am, and don't ask me what I'm doing.

"Seriously, Charles?" I hear before I see him. "Adam Lambert, again?" Alysson looks at me and deadpans. "You said you were supposed to study for your long quiz tomorrow, not drool over his pictures on last night's gala!"

Well, that is Alysson. He is my best friend, and yes, he is gay. That is his real name, though. Quite cool that his mom decided to name him like that, as if she knows he would be as flamboyant as his name when he grows up.

"I'm sorry," I say as I smile sheepishly. "I told myself I would only do one scroll over my timeline. But I saw his pictures, and you know how much of a sucker I am when it comes to him."

Alysson rolls his eyes and snorts fondly, flicking my ear. I squawk in protest; that hurts as fuck.

" _'One scroll'_. You're such a liar." He shakes his head. "Here, give me your phone." He holds his hand out.

I narrow my eyes. "What? No." I flat out refuse.

"Give me your phone, or I'll change the Wi-Fi password for a month." He puts his other hand on his hip and I stare at him incredulously.

"That's unfair!" I pout indignantly, shying my phone away from his outstretched hand.

"You won't be able to get anything done!" he says, trying to take my phone from my tightly closed hand. "Give me that, or I swear I would really change the Wi-Fi password!"

"No!" I whine loudly and try to wrestle away from his grip. "Please, Aly.  _Ayoko_ _! (_ _I_ _don't_ _want_ _to_ _!)_ "

" _Ngayong gabi lang_ (just for tonight)!" He stands up after prying the phone away from my hand. "And no laptop. I'm taking your laptop until before we go to bed," he says as he walks out of my room.

Gosh, I am going to die. I just know it. I pout sulkily as I open my book in Asian Literature. How am I to study without any music? The photos, how am I supposed to drool over them?

I think I'm really going to die.

"Don't worry!" He shouts as he walks down the hallway, reading my thoughts. "I'll play his songs for you tonight." True to his word,  _Lucy_  starts from the speakers.

I will never give up being a fangirl though.


	2. II.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting the chapters that I already published in one go. Not edited sorry I'm too lazy!
> 
> This story will be set between my country and US, and this will contain my native language, though there would be translations. Also, warning! Trigger warning actually. This book is going to contain mentions of self-harm and eating disorders. I am going to put warnings before each chapter.
> 
> Filler chapter. Tank woo 😂😂😂

"Wakey wakey, hands off snakey!"

I groaned and turned over, burying my face on the pillow. "Fuck off." I scratched my head aggressively and struggled to find a comfortable position to go back to slumber. I was having a good dream about Adam, now it is all ruined. Ugh.

"You're going to be late for class," Alysson singsongs. "You have a long quiz today."

" _Ugh_." I threw the pillow in his direction and huffed. "I fucking hate you." I huffed again and kicked on the bed lightly.

Alysson does not seem to mind and I feel the pillow land beside me. "Get up. Breakfast is ready," he says before going back to the kitchen. I sit up and rub my eyes as I yawn loudly.

Sitting on the bed to wait for myself to rouse to full consciousness, I cannot help but smile and be thankful for Alysson being there for me—even though he is mostly more of a twat,  _a massive twat_. I could not ever know what I would do without him.

You see, I kicked myself out of my parents' house when I was 18. I was going through a lot of shit and I felt I could no longer burden my parents with the responsibility of trying to build me up when I cannot pull myself together, added to the fact that they weren't even doing it constructively. I flew to the US from our country together with Aly who was offered to study in the US by his aunt. I tagged along with the aim to find a job there, and to my surprise, his aunt also offered me to study. Totally unbelievable but it's true, and who can say no to that? I was being offered to study with nothing in return.

And so I agreed, but not after bargaining with them that I would work for my own necessities and such. I do not want to be more of a bother than I already was, and mainly because I didn't know how to deal with being too indebted to someone. Maybe here I would find myself, I said. Maybe I just need a new environment and start a new life. His aunt argued, but I guess I'm one stubborn little shit. She paid for the visa expenses though. All. Of. It. Jesus fucking—I can't even. I'm forever indebted to her, but she insists on me shutting my mouth, so I guess I'll be forever indebted silently or she'll have my head.

And so Alysson and I tried out for jobs and got our own place shortly after, with his aunt's help (of course). It was nice, having the place to our own. We are both conscious to our surroundings, so housekeeping never became an issue to us.

I enrolled in an Arts and Writing course, while Alysson pursued his dream to be a musician and took up Music as a start.

"Charles! I swear to God..."

"On it!" I shouted back and jumped out of bed. I searched for a hair tie to put my hair in a bun and made my bed.

The smell of eggs and franks greeted me as I approach the kitchen, making my stomach rumble and churn at the thought of having to eat a lot again. Today is going to be really busy for me. Maybe I could go for a few light snacks throughout the day instead.

"That smells lovely, but I still hate you." I took a seat on the table and picked on the crispy bacon strips. "What time is your class?"

"Eleven. You?" he asks as he takes a seat across mine. I fork some franks and an egg to my plate.

"9:30. Then I'll go straight to the café; Phil called in sick, and Dan asked me to fill in for him," I said as I picked on my food.

"Dan? Are they together?" he asks, sipping a bit of his coffee. I shrug and chew slowly, scratching my head.

"We really are not sure," I say slowly, rubbing my eyes. "We suspect they are, but they said they're really just 'best mates'." I make air quotes as I say that. To be honest, my coworkers and I are already suspecting it. We are just waiting for the news to come directly from Dan and Phil. Alysson snorts and shakes his head.

"Best mates my ass," he says as he chuckles lightly. "I bet my piano they are secretly fucking in the storage room of your café."

"Oi!" I squawk as I throw a piece of bread at him. "We're in front of the table. That's rude." I take a sip of my hot cocoa. "And besides, they totally fit. It will not matter, seeing as they practically live with each other. They are almost married. A little formality won't hurt, though."

"Why are they hiding it anyway?" Aly asks in confusion.

I shrug and scrape my plate clean into the trash bin before standing up. "Not everyone is that accepting, you know."

Aly only nods at me before going back to his food. He looks at me and tilts his head to the side when he sees me put my plate in the sink.

"You're done?" he asks as I wash my plate and utensils in the sink. I can feel his gaze pricking at the back of my neck. I know that gaze, and we both know what it is about.

"Yeah," I nod as I dry the plates and put them back in the rack. Aly is still looking at me like that and I hate it. He lets me go nonetheless.

 

Half an hour later and I am ready to head out of the house. "I'll see you in school!" He only nods, too engrossed in his finals piece. Checking my watch, I see that I still have much time to go to school. I put on my earphones and walk the 10-minute walk to the campus, and no, we do not live in the dorms.

 _"_   _You've seen the worst of me now._  
_I am all alone, see?_  
_You lost me somehow._

 _And what we're fighting for is peace._  
_Are you still in love with me,_  
_Or someone else?_

 _Or are you such a dreamer?_  
_Put yourself in my shoes._  
_Be careful what you wish for, love."_

I sing along quietly to 'Dreamer', walking to the school grounds. Walking helps me calm my mind and unwind. I also pick up some inspiration from those walks most of the time. I check my watch; there is still a lot of time before my classes start. I walk on with Adam crooning how he only wants to keep on dreaming.

\---

"Charlieeeeeeee!"

Someone screeched while I was in the middle of getting my things from my locker. I turned around and saw Connor running towards me. I only had a few seconds to brace myself before he catapulted himself to me and hugged me tightly, practically cutting my air supply off. "Charlieeee babyyyyyy!"

"Connor," I said as I patted him on the back, trying not to choke to death. "Connor... Yeah, it's nice to see you too... I... can't breathe though."

He muttered an 'oops' before letting go of me with a sheepish smile. "Sorry," he says. He was wearing a mocha hoodie with a black shirt and tight fit black pants. "Missed you, is why."

Connor had been sick with flu last week so he was absent. Every day, he would act as if he did not see me the day before and it would cheer me up a lot. I was wondering why I had not seen him and he was not around. Turns out, he got flu and had to take a rest. I'm glad he is fine now.

"Yeah," I said as I patted his head gently. He pouted and I chuckled a little. "Are you okay now?". He nodded and I slammed my locker shut.

"All good," he says as we start walking. We have a few classes together and I am so glad I have first period history with him. "Doctor gave me an okay signal so I'm good."

"That's nice." I said, smiling lightly. "I had no one to pester me last week. It was boring."

"Hey!" He protested and I laughed. "I don't pester you!"

I was still laughing as we reached our room. "Yeah, you do. You are a big chimp."

He pouts again and I have the urge to poke his nose. "I hate you."

"Aww. I love you too." I poke his cheeks and smile wider. "Let's have lunch today, or do you have something to do?"

He shook his head and smiled as we took our seats to wait for our professor. "I did all my catching up last week, so I'm free."

"I have this piece I want to show you," I try hard not to show my nerves. It is Connor, after all, "and I need your thoughts about it."

"Well, you always do good stuff, so you know my stand." He shrugs lightly, knowing full well how critical I am with people's opinion about the shit I create.

"Aww." I blow him a kiss and he laughs. I fucking love this person to bits. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, hunny."

"You owe me your first born," he says mock-seriously.

"I owe so many people my first born!" I say as the bell rings and our professor enters, leaving us no time to chat.


	3. III.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adam would not properly appear for a few chapters. I am so sorryyyy but we will get there.

Lunch was quite uneventful at first if you didn't count Connor being Connor. He kept on pestering me about a guy that had been "staring" (I honestly don't know his definition of staring is) at me for the past fifteen minutes.

"Seriously, he's been eye-raping you ever since we sat down," Connor says too loudly that I wince and flick a piece of pasta at him.

"Franta, shut your loud mouth," I muttered and stabbed the meatballs quite harshly. "You and your potty mouth; we're gonna get in trouble. No rape jokes." I waved my fork at him. "And quit staring. You're the one that's probably 'eye-raping' the poor guy."

"But he really is!" He insists and I roll my eyes. "If you're a chocolate, you would've been a puddle on the floor now."

"Connor," I sigh exasperatedly. "I honestly have no idea what your definition of staring is." I make a face. "You even said Peters was winking at me when he was just blinking."

"That was one time!" He pouted. "He has these twinkling eyes and it looked like winking to me."

"Exactly."

Connor only pouted and said nothing. We both went back to eating in silence. A few minutes later, I felt someone approach our table. However, since I am lazy as fuck, I did not look up and went on fiddling with my food. It was just probably one of Connor's or his twin's admirers. He gets a lot of those. It gets awkward sometimes, but they really do look alike. Unless you know them so well, you wouldn't recognize the difference. However, I can't for the life of me, fathom how they still get them confused when Todd just straight up looks like an aesthetic fuck boy, and Connor looks like an aesthetic dork. I mean, seriously, how?

Connor kicked my leg under the table and I hissed, still not looking up from playing with my food. I don't really feel up for telling someone off and letting them know for the nth time that  _Todd looks like he came straight out of a Nike shoot with his fuckboy friends._ Todd doesn't really mind when I say that. Him and Connor is really close, and he loves my ass in extension. Connor kicked me again and I looked up this time. I was grumpy for a second until I came face to face with a short guy with bleached white hair wearing eyeglasses.

Tyler Oakley, one of the school's hottest (gay) guy. It is no secret to Connor that I have this embarrassing massive crush on him, along with half of the school's female—and MALE population. I choke and cough on my spit before composing myself and looking at him properly. "Hi," he says.

"Yes?" is all I can say without embarrassing myself. I could see Connor in the corner of my eye trying to contain his sniggers. Nice. Tyler smiles and I nearly choke on my spit again. Jesus frigging christ on a stick. I wouldn't be able to survive.

"Charles, right?" he asks with a wide grin.

"Yep." I smile and try to act like my ovaries are not on fire. He knows my frigging name. Help me. "Is something wrong?"

"Oh, no, nothing like that." He shakes his head and I steal a quick glance to find Connor biting his lip and fiddling with his food, face red from trying not to laugh aloud. This motherfucker! He knows something. I swear I am so close to disowning this little shit. "I was just going to ask if we can get you for our play next February. We have Theater III together, and my friends and I figured you'd be perfect for the main role."

I was relieved for a second before his words sunk in. I spluttered. "Play?" I asked with a panicked expression. He's aware we have Theater together. I did not think he ever noticed me because I was always at the back with Mikey. Shit. "I–I don't think..."

"Please?" Across the table, you can see Connor almost dying of silent laughter, his face on top of his arms on the table. I do not know what he finds amusing—my expression, my obvious gaping or my predicament. Either way, I'll be keeping in mind to shave his hair in his sleep. "My friends and I saw your Hamlet performance for the prelims and we thought it was so cool."

"We actually asked Miss Johnson for a copy of your performance." His companion Troye, a lanky guy with chocolate curls and dark grey eyes said. Seriously, is there anyone who is not as attractive here as these motherfuckers? Am I the only unattractive trash here?

"I'm Troye, by the way. And the performance was videotaped." He holds up a CD for us to see. He smiles as if it would pacify my nerves. "But don't tell her we said that," he adds quickly. "She'll kill us because nobody's supposed to know." He bites his too-pink lips and it doesn't help one bit.

Across the table, Connor seems to have recovered and is catching his breath. I glare at him. "I'm sorry," he says, raising his hands in surrender to me. He turns to the other two with a smile. "But yeah about that, I told ya before, Charlie here is quite flattered and will be more than happy to be part of your play. She just won't be able to agree herself so I'll be doing it for her."

"I... What? Connor, no no, I d—"

"Please?" Tyler asks with impossibly wide eyes and I blink rapidly, getting too mesmerized by those blue fucking eyes. Not helpful.

"I–I really don't think it'd be a good idea?" I stuttered, cheeks turning a brilliant shade of red. "There are others out there who are better suited for the role. I'm sure you'll be able to find one."

Tyler's expression becomes a little bit disappointed but he persists. "Can you at least please think about it? You're our top candidate and we think you're the most perfect one for the role." There is really no getting out of this one. And I know I like him too much to say no. Ugh.

"Okay," I say. Tyler's and Troye's smiles both widen. "I'll think really hard about it." They both squeal and everyone on the table knows I'm sold.

"Perfect!" Tyler smiles widely and sighs in relief. "Thank you so much! You won't regret it, I swear." Troye claps excitedly with him. "Thanks, both of you. I'll see you on Thursday, Charles." Tyler smiles widely at me and turns to Connor. "I'll see you in Multimedia Arts, Franta." They both wave and leave afterward, leaving me in a state of shock.

When I recover, Connor is chewing on his food with a smug smile on his face. I chuck a piece of bread at him but he just grins widely. "At least you get to spend a lot of time with Tyler."

I groaned. "You suck."

"Yeah, I do." He laughs. "You'll be thanking me later, though. Maybe then you'll finally get your prince charming, only it's a princess."

"I hate you," I say without heat. "He's gay. G-A-Y. Besides, I'm just going to make a fool out of myself, so I'm going to tell them I won't do it."

"Go ahead," he shrugs, "I'm sure he'll like it when you crush his happiness." He picks on his nails with another shrug and then holds his hands up. "Not stopping you."

We look at each other wordlessly for a few seconds until I give a deep sigh, Connor smiling smugly again. I am wiping that smile off soon. "Fuck you."

"You're welcome."


	4. IV.

"What's up with you?" I was snapped out of my sulking when my sort-of boss Marki walked into the kitchen. I only blinked in response and started to flip the pancakes miserably. "You look like someone shat on your pancakes."

I snort on a laugh and press on the pancakes using the spatula, shaking my head with a slight smile. "Seriously, though. Is something wrong?" he asks kindly when I didn't answer.

I shake my head again and slide the pancakes on the plate. "Nothing." I smile at him and shrug. "I just had a tiring day at school."

"You know I won't mind if you take the day off," Marki says as he takes the muffins out of the oven. It smells lovely in here and I inhale deeply, taking in the smell of chocolate and strawberry. "You work too hard and we can call someone else to cover for Phil."

I just smile and start piping the pancakes with whipping cream, swirling them with chocolate syrup and chunks. "I'm fine. I prefer working to make me distracted, but thank you so much, anyways. You guys love me too much, as it is. You don't need to baby me."

"You need sleep or rest, not a distraction," he says as he leaves the muffins on the pastry rack to cool. "And we don't baby you." He prepares the chocolate milkshake as I add some final additions to the pancakes. "Or maybe there really is something that happened for you to need a distraction." He looks at me. "Isn't there?"

Shoot. I know he is trying to corner me to make me spill. I sigh and shrug, putting the plate of pancakes on the tray and wait for him to finish with the drink. "Let's just say that I have been _volun-told_ for a stage play."

"You got what?" He laughs lightly and shakes his head. "How did that happen?"

"You know Tyler, right?" When he just stares at me, I sigh. "Oakley. Tyler Oakley."

"Oh. Yeah, he's been in a few classes with me before." Marki is an English major. "Why?"

"Well, he asked me to be part of the school's play during lunch."

"And you said yes?"

I shake my head with a slight smile. "You know how I hate being in the spotlight."

"Ironic considering how much you love arts and theater."

I shrug again. "Well, yeah. Connor said yes for me though, and I said I'll think about it. I can't possibly back out now."

"Why not?" Marki asks in confusion as he puts the finished drink on the tray. 'You just said you'll think about it, why can't you say no?" I balance the tray carefully in one hand and Marki opens the door that connects the kitchen to the diner to let me out.

"It's Tyler Oakley. Nobody can say no to him." Marki can only look at me in confusion as I check the order slip in my hands and slip out of the kitchen. It says table number 6.

After lots of dodging people and a running kid, I finally found the right booth with the table number. "Here you go, sir," I say to the customer without looking up, placing the orders on the table.

"Than—oh, it's you!"

I look up at the customer and it is the one with Tyler earlier. It's Troye. This means yler must be here too. Oh shit. "Oh, hi." I smile politely at him and take the table number along with the tray, trying to muffle my panicking heartbeat.

"Hello, Charles." He smiles widely and I smile back awkwardly. "I didn't know you work here."

"My shift is always at night so you might have been missing me," I say with a slight smile. "I'm just here to cover because someone called in sick. How about you, are you here alone?"

Troye shakes his head and smiles wider. Fuck, I knew it. "Tyler will be here in a few minutes. He just got caught in an org meeting, but he'll be here. He's actually on his way."

"Ooh, okay." I nod with a smile, hoping he wouldn't smell my awkwardness and panic. I take his table number and back away slowly. "I'll see you around. Enjoy your meal." I walk back to the kitchen and try not to seem like I am hurrying. Tyler will be here, and I do not know what I should exactly feel. I mean, I've been doing this shit for long, so I don't have to panic. I still panic, though. Your socially awkward kid with an F for acting normal in front of people she thinks are attractive, or just plain cooler than her. Yes, sir.

Marki notices my panicked expression when I walk into the kitchen and frowns. "What's wrong? Are you alright?"

I shake my head and try to breathe properly. "Tyler will be here in a few minutes." I bite my lip and laugh breathlessly, almost manically. "Jesus fucking christ, Marki. Why?"

He looks at me incredulously and laughs uncertainly. "Why are you asking me? Wait," he says and looks at me suspiciously as it dawns on him, "are you... Do you have a crush on him?" Fuck. When I do not answer and try to glare at him, he laughs. "Seriously, Charles? Oh dear!" He claps as if Christmas came early. "You're one of his fangirls!"

"Shut up," I whine and pout at him, putting the tray on the counter. He does not, and leans on the counter for support. "Marki!" This only spurs him to laugh louder.

"I cannot—," he says between laughs and I pout petulantly like a kid. I glare at him with my arms crossed on my chest and waits for him to calm down. Deep inside, though, I'm really embarrassed. I don't even know why. Like, Marki is one of the coolest people out there, and he wouldn't judge me, but still.

"That's why you can't say no, isn't it?" he asks when his laughter died down. I hit him with a towel and he coos, ruffling my hair. I squawk in protest. "Aw. The baby girl is all grown up now."

"I hate you." I take an order slip hanging on the mini-window to start a new order and hide my blush. "I know he's gay and all that stuff, but he's awfully cute." I flick some flour in his direction when he chuckles. "It's not my fault I find him hot."

"Aww," he coos again. "Aren't you a cutie?" Marki pinches my cheeks. "I understand, though. He's nice and good-looking, not to mention smart and talented." He places a new batch of pastries inside the oven and sets the timer. "Too bad he's gay. I'm sure you'd be a cute couple."

"Don't give me false hopes!" I joked and we both laughed. A few seconds later, Dylan entered the kitchen.

"Hey, Marki. Can I take my break now?"

Marki peeped through the mini-window and nodded. He looked for a few more seconds before turning to us with an ear-splitting grin. Huh. "It's fine. Charles here can take over the counter for a while. Right, Charles?"

I knew it. He loves getting me to man the register. "How about the orders?" I looked at Marki while Dylan takes off his apron.

"Don't worry about that. I can handle it." Marki pats me at the back before shoving me out the door. "You can handle talking to a few people, I'm sure. Now shoo." I can only sigh as I walk to the counter.

 _The Lib_ , the name of this café, is full of students going home from their classes. A queue is starting to form as I take my place behind the counter.

Working here in the diner is tiring, but it is fun. Even though my feet are cramping most days, or my arms and backache, I cannot help but love my job. The pay is good, not to mention my coworkers are nice. We are a family here, and we all go to the same university so we all know how hectic each other's schedules can be.

"Thank you. Your order will be with you shortly. Here's your number and receipt." I hand them to the last customer, and smile before she walks away. I rifle through the cash register for a moment before sticking the order slip through the mini-window for Marki to take. Turning back to the counter, I see Tyler making his way to the counter. _Breathe_ , I tell myself. _Just pull yourself together_.

"Welcome to The Lib. What can I get you today?" I smile and try not to embarrass myself.

"Oh—hey!" He smiles widely and I nod. "Charles! I didn't know you work here."

"Yeah," I smile and shrug. "I mostly work night shifts so you won't see me here. I'm just here to cover for my coworker today." Tyler nods. "Anything I can get you today?"

"I, uhh..." He scans the menu overhead for a moment and tilts his head. "My friends told me your brownies and muffins here are really good, so I'd like two for each." I quickly type that in as he ponders for a moment. "I can't choose a drink though, so I trust you to choose the best for me."

What? Fuck. "Okay, sure." I punch in our bestseller and smile at him. "That would take five minutes all in all. Would that be alright?"

"Sure. It's fine." He nods.

"Okay, that would be $7.25." Tyler fished his wallet from his pocket and paid his order. "Here is your table number and receipt. Your order would be with you shortly. Enjoy!"

"Thanks! See you around, Charlie girl," he says before pocketing his wallet and turning away. He called me by my nickname. I mask my shaking but thankfully, Dylan returns from his break. I quickly go back to the kitchen to find Marki watching me with a slight smirk.

"So, how did it go?" He asks casually. At least he tried; I know what he is up to, and we both know it. I grab the nearest object and fling it at him lamely. Good thing it is just only a mitten because it hits him square in the face. "Hey!"

"I'm quitting." I grimace, taking the brownies out of pastry rack and putting it on a vacant tray. "I have to find myself some new friends."

"Aw!" He ruffles my hair as he passes me to start on Tyler's order. "Don't worry; I won't make you serve him today. You'd probably trip over nothing and die in shame."

I smile in relief as I arrange the muffins and brownies on a large plate. "You're the best, but I still hate you. Just one thing, though..." Marki's face turns serious as my tone takes on a nervous quality. "Just... don't tell anyone, please. Only you, Connor, and Alysson knows about it." I fiddle with my nails as I try to keep my tone casual. I mean, from experience, people get weirded out when they find out you like them. It always doesn't end well for me, and I don't want the past to happen again. It really fucked me up in a way that I want to go back in time and hug my kid-self.

"Of course," Marki says gently. "You can always trust me with anything. You know that, right?"

"I do. I really do," I say to him. "And thank you, for everything." I look up at him with a grateful smile.

When I came here to the US, it's kind of hard to get a job. I was just about to say fuck it and go back home to the Philippines, when I got a phone call asking me if I am available to start that Monday? That person is Marki. Marki had helped me through tough times, and mostly understood everything I'm going through. I'm forever indebted to him.

"Of course." He smiles and once upon a time, I might have fallen in love with him. He's kind, funny, charming and sweet. As it is, we're just friends. I've learned the lesson and art of not falling in love with people you are indebted to. It really fucks up the dynamics of your relationship. While yes, Marki has proven time and time again that he's not like that, there are things that I cannot undo about my history. I cannot unfuck my mind, and I cannot undo the trauma it has caused me. "You're always welcome."

"I really don't know what I would have done if you hadn't called that day. Probably be back with my family and fuck up my self-esteem and mental health some more."

"You have to credit yourself, too," he says. "You wake yourself up in the morning, and you go on living. That's on you."

"If you call it that." I laugh lightly.

"I do," he says insistently. "Even if it doesn't feel like it, even if it feels like dragging yourself, that's living. And it's on you."

"Thank you, Marki." I turn around and busy myself, so he doesn't see me cry. I sniff, and wipes at my face with my face towel. "I'm really lucky I have you guys."

"And again, you're welcome." Marki says as he puts the final touches on Tyler's food. "You're a really wonderful person and workmate, so it's a win-win situation for everybody."

"Does that mean I get the employee of the month badge?" I smile at him mischievously.

"We don't even have that, you dork." He lifts the tray of Tyler's order and balances them on one hand.

"We should have that, then." Marki just snorts and comes out of the sliding door to serve the food. "I'm serious!"

\---


	5. V.

"How's your day?" Aly asks while preparing our dinner. I huff and slump in my seat, trying not to fall asleep.

"Tiring. Lots of things happened." I stood up to get a drink from the fridge. I didn't realize I was so thirsty until the bottle touched my lips.

"Is it about Tyler asking you to be part of the school play?"

I inhaled abruptly and coughed on my drink. "Where the fuck did you get that information?" I asked after my coughs had subsided.

Aly smiles and shrugs, putting the casserole on low heat. "Connor," he says cryptically. I make a face and put my hands on my hip.

"Are you two fucking?" I tilt my head sideways and he snorts, shaking his head.

"Eh, we just have a few classes together. You know, small world." He shrugs innocently. I roll my eyes at him.

"Small world, my ass. If I know, you're just trying to get to his pants. Or his twin's, for that matter."

Aly gasps in mock indignation and clutches at his nonexistent pearls. "How scandalous!" he fake exclaims. I snort and laugh at his attempt. "But you may be right. Who knows?" He winks, turning his attention back to the casserole.

"Ew." I cringe and swat at his shoulder lightly. "Just use protection when you do it."

"Yes, mum."

We fall into comfortable silence. Few minutes later, I can't help but launch into telling how my day went.

"Well, Tyler asked me to be part of the play..." I start.

"...And Connor said yes for you?"

"He did." I start setting the table as he finishes cooking. "I didn't even get the chance to fully comprehend what has happened until now. Nothing's sinking in."

"I'm glad he did that," he said as we both sat down. I looked at him and raised my eyebrow. He looked back innocently. "What? If he didn't do that, you wouldn't have. And you're putting your talent to waste."

"You say it like I'm really good at it." I scoop some food into my plate and almost cry. Aly cooks really well. I overeat sometimes because of him.

"Well, that's because you are," he says. I sigh tiredly in resignation.

"Look, can we just agree to disagree and change the topic?"

He looks like he's about to  _actually_  disagree especially about the changing of topics but thankfully, he dropped it. "Fine."

I sigh in relief. "Thank you." I smile gratefully. "As I was saying, I don't even know how to feel. I want to say no, but I feel like I can't let Tyler down. I can't let anyone down."

"Hey!" He frowns and shakes his head. "None of that shit. You're allowed to decide for the sake of yourself. You shouldn't always decide for theirs." He says almost angrily. "Be fair to yourself."

Here we go. "This is me being fair to myself." I put my palms up and shrug. I'm starting to lose whatever little appetite I have. "I've been used to not doing shit my way and this is what fair is for me."

"Well, you have a shit definition of 'fair'."

I sigh, appetite fully gone. "Let's not fight, please? I had a long day."

Alysson softens when he sees my tired expression. "Of course." He sighs. "I'm sorry. You must be tired. How about I do the dishes tonight? You go ahead and hit the bed early."

I nod and stand up. "Yeah, okay." I clear my plate into the trash bin and put it on the sink. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I say tiredly as I wash my hands.

Aly nods. "Goodnight, bitch. I'm really sorry."

I only smile. "Goodnight."

I trudge up to my room with a yawn. Today has indeed been a long day. When has my day not been tiring? I'm always tired, even during those off days that I have, lounging around the house while Aly is out. He's more productive than me, you see. He'll go far in life.

I'll always be proud of him for that.

I flop onto my bed, not bothering to wash or even change my clothes. I'll just be taking a bath tomorrow. I'm too tired for that shit, too tired for any shit. It's not like someone will come up tonight and sniff me.

Ew.

Let's not entertain that thought. I won't even want to sniff myself. Gross.

I pat for my charging phone and earphones. I feel too tired, really. I know I've been saying it again and again but I'm really just so worn out. I'm always worn out. I would want to have that one day where I'd do nothing and not feel so empty afterwards.

I plug my earphones in and scroll through my music player. Normally, I would be up all night with my insomnia. Tonight, however, I am seconds away from dozing off. At least this day's events proved useful. I click play, letting Adam's voice lull me to sleep as he sings about being an outlaw of love.

\---

I sat up with a gasp, perspiration running down my forehead and my hair sticking to my face.

What the fuck?

The dream was startlingly vivid. I hiccuped, only to find my eyes also wet.

What the actual fuck?

In my dream, I was watching someone I apparently have feelings for(???) with another person while they were in a room, acting all lovey dovey. I was watching from the crack of the door (creepy) and I felt my heart breaking into pieces. I also remember being pulled by my friend(???) into a tight hug as he found me crying because of it, but we're in another place. The dream is vivid, but the faces are not. I also remember thinking that I don't have any right to be hurt so I should stop crying, but I can't.

Again, what the actual fuck?

I scramble to my bedside table to open the lamp and get my dream journal. I don't exactly keep tabs on my dreams, but I write them down most of the time for play and story ideas. I also do so because I often have déjà vu.

Yeah, I know I'm weird.

I quickly write whatever bits and pieces I remember and scribble down everything. I can feel my dream slowly fade from my consciousness and sigh when I can't remember it anymore.

At least I've managed to catch some of it and jot it down.

After reading it again and again and try to decipher it with no luck, I've decided I'm too awake to go back to sleep.

 _Puta_.

I'm still fucking tired.

I check my phone and it's only 3 am. I can make use of the time and jog early, then maybe I can head to the café and help Mark with baking. I always head down there whenever I need to distract myself. He doesn't mind, says he needs all the help he can get.

Sometimes I feel envious of how happy and calm Mark could always be, as if he has no problems at all. Mark's face is never without a smile. Whether he would be talking about his dog, Chica, or manning the café, you would always see the smile reach up to his eyes. So warm and genuine, ever so welcoming. You would rarely see him frown or get mad.

" _Keeps the wrinkles away_ ," he would always say. " _And besides, you don't know who would need it. Best to keep one in handy at all times._ "

I wish I can have the optimism he has.

I take a quick bath and dress myself with a plain shirt and shorts, opting to use a jacket. I am more comfortable jogging or running when I have one. One con of having too large breasts is that it can be a nuisance for sports, or any other activities. I don't even want or need one, nor do I want to have any kids. Why give me two balls of fat to hang in front of my chest? For what? I can do nothing but just shake my head as I zip my jacket up.

After making sure that my bed is made and my charger out of the socket, I silently tiptoe out of my room. I'm sure Alysson is still sleeping and I don't want to disturb him. He can be a total bitch when woken up from his sleep.

Who isn't, though?

I've successfully gotten out of the house without waking Alysson. I locked the door and checked it twice before walking briskly to the park, my earphones blaring a Lady Gaga song.

The park is a 5-minute walk from the house and can be an excellent warmup. I usually run for a few minutes and have a smoke afterwards, mainly because my endurance is not too great and my sides ache fast. Yeah, I know. Smoking invalidates my exercise. I just can't help it. I've tried quitting. No luck.

Today, however, I've managed to run a few laps around the park before giving up. It's already close to four when I've finished with my whole routine (including smoking, or as I call it, my "cool down" routine). The café opens at six am, just in time for the morning rush and early birds. I have a few favorite customers, or my bunch of  _suki_ , that I look forward to serving to every time I'm early at the café.

There's Suzy with her brown trench coat—similar to Castiel's from Supernatural, plump cheeks and smile that reaches her blue eyes. She would order a bunch of chocolate chip cookies and warm milk for her children. She tips generously too. The thing I like most about her is her sunny demeanor and tinkering laugh that reminds me of fairy tales and a childhood I'd never have. I will always slip her some muffins that Mark cannot scold me for before she leaves because I just like seeing her eyes light up with delight.

There's also Henry. He reminds me of WWII grandfathers with their suspenders and neatly combed hair. He always talks about his wife, which I find really cute and endearing, and would stop by the café to buy her croissants and coffee after buying her roses. I would slip him heart-shaped donuts to go along with his black coffee.

There is also Alex, the kid from one of my writing classes who always tries to get me to go out with him, which is kind of adorable because he's actually younger than me and I only see it as one of those puppy love crushes on someone older than you.

And there's also Hollie, a really cool "band trash", as she calls herself, who I get to fangirl with about music. And Sarah, who watches the same shows and reads the same books as I do, and a few others. They make me look forward to spontaneous morning shifts like this.

Mark doesn't even look up from whatever he's doing on the counter when I entered the still-closed café. "Coffee is already brewing. There's also hot chocolate in there. Grab a cup," he says without looking up.

I walk towards the counter and take my jacket off before making myself a hot chocolate with lots of cream and sugar. "Do you ever sleep, superman?"

He chuckles and shakes his head. "I'm just an early riser."

I snort. "You man the café until the evening, you have classes to attend to, lots of schoolwork to finish, and an energetic dog to feed," I say as I tick off with my fingers. "How do you have time to be an early riser?"

He folds up and starts keeping his things away. "We all have breaks and off days." He grins as he walks to the kitchen. I follow him. "I could say the same for you, though. You are close to a full-load this semester and you're working here almost all week. How do you have time to be here early?"

I shrug and put my coffee on the countertop, snagging an apron and putting it on. "I woke up early." It's true, though. I  _did_  wake up early, but for a different reason. He doesn't need to know that.

"You look like shit," he comments. "Did you wake up early or did you not sleep at all?"

"Wow, thanks," I say sarcastically, and we both laugh. "I did sleep though." I bite my lip and sigh "I just had a sort-of nightmare?"

"Why do you sound unsure?" he asks.

"Because it doesn't feel like a nightmare." I frown. "The dream is just sad, overall, and I woke up crying and can't go back to sleep."

Mark looks concerned as he puts on an apron. "What happened in the dream?"

And so I told him while we were making pastries. He looked worried all throughout and shook his head. It's nearly six am when we finished baking and getting the café ready for opening. The others employees are already here too.

"Maybe you should take a break," he says. "You're getting too stressed and tired, and you're not exactly doing anything for yourself."

"I can't exactly take a break." I shake my head. "No one would do my shit for me."

"Then do things that would help you unwind. Reconnect with old friends, do things you've been planning to do ever since.  _Go on a date._ " He says the last one with more emphasis.

"I don't wanna date," I say firmly. "I'd only get my heart broken and my time wasted." I shake my head vigorously. "I'm happy being single, thank you very much."

"Okay, no dating. But at least get things done for yourself, for your own enjoyment. You're starting to look like a walker."

I stop and look at him. "I do?"

Mark only smiles at me sadly before walking to the door of the café and flipping the 'Open' sign.

Mark thinks I'm beginning to look like a walking zombie. Even after my early shift and going home to get ready for school, I can't stop thinking about what he said. He said I'm getting too stressed and tired. He noticed that too.

Am I really that obvious?

I really hope not.

\---

All throughout the week, I've been busy. We've had our first meeting for the Feb play on Thursday after classes. I haven't been able to say no to Tyler after all.

What a sucker.

We have meetings everyday to prepare for it. That, added to my schoolworks and job, left me almost tired and sleepless all week.

Diyos ko po. Mamamatay ako dito ( _Oh my god. I'm gonna die here_ ).

Help me.

Fortunately, Saturday is an off day for me. Mark explicitly told me not to come in early or  ' _so help me god Charlie I'm firing your ass off_ '. I argued that he can't fire me for being a good employee. He argued that he can have his dad fire me for him. Either way, I'm actually happy for that. I think I need at least a day to breathe.

I logged on to Twitter and waited for it to load while munching on a pizza. A few favorites and retweets later, I decided to go to Adam's account to stalk. I've been quite inactive for the past few days and it would be easier to just go to his account.

I've been favoriting and retweeting his tweets when one tweet caught my attention.

ADAM LAMBERT   
@adamlambert

Sick nyt w these guys!!! Almost ready for the tour!!! pic.twitter.com/keHkdT69a

It's a photo of Adam with a few people. What caught my attention is the other guy in the photo. He looks awfully familiar. I click on the tags and I nearly topple the pizza box to the ground.

@TommyJoeRatliff @alisanporter @Shellback666 @clawsPAUs

@clawsPAUs!

I click make sure and true enough, his profile loads.

André Ureta  
@clawsPAUs  **follows you**

I let out a shriek.

This bitch! He's been my internet friend for a while now, even before I left my country, and he hasn't said anything about meeting Adam. Fucking. Lambert.

Kalma. ( _Calm_.)

I quickly screenshot Adam's tweet and click through our DMs.

 _'_ _You're hanging out w_ _mah_ _hubby and you aren't even telling me???'_  I then attach the screenshot.

Send.

 _It's been long. Miss_ _na_ _kita_ _,_ _gago_ _!_  (I miss you, asshole!)

Send.

I felt giddy and happy for him at the same time.

At least one of us gets to live the glamorous life.


End file.
